5 Lessons Learned as a Christian dad of a Trans Son

About a year ago, our son told us that he was trans. I had a general understanding of what that meant, but I didn’t have a complete understanding. Our youngest child did not identify with their birth gender and was ready to transition to the male gender where he identified. That was the first of many definitions and lessons I’ve learned since he shared his gender identity. I am also confident that I’ll continue to learn a lot more over the months and years to come.

This kind of revelation and lifestyle is something that can be very divisive among Christian circles. I’m not going to try and address those debates here, however, I hope to share what I’ve learned over the past year as a Christian father with a trans son. 

Lesson 1: It’s okay to not understand

When I tell people about my son, especially those who knew him before he started transitioning, they often have the same response: “I don’t understand.” I empathize with the desire to know why and I wanted to know why my son is trans as well. Over time I came to realize and accept that it is who he is. More than anything he needed me to support him, accept him, and acknowledge that this is who he is. Understanding the why is like trying to understand why he is as tall as he is or why he has his sense of humor. These are all part of who he is, just like his gender identity. 

When I read the gospels I observe the disciples repeatedly not understanding why Jesus did what he did. They had faith that he knew what he was doing. I have faith that my son knows who he is and he is my son and that’s more than enough or me to be a supportive and loving father.

Lesson 2: He needed a cheerleader

There is no one this transition is harder on than my son. Physically, there are a crazy number of changes his body is going through, think puberty 2.0. Socially he is identifying and presenting in a non-traditional manner. There certainly has been a lot of progress made with social acceptance in the past few years, but there is still a long way to go where acceptance is the norm. 

This all means that there are internal and external stressors that he experiences daily. He needs a cheerleader to encourage him and keep him positive. My wife has led the charge on this front. She’s been the most publicly affirming parent I can imagine in this situation and it has made my son feel very validated.

Lesson 3: I screw up

I wish I could say that once he told us, I used the correct pronoun every time, but that would be a lie. There have been other mistakes as well. One thing I’m very thankful for is that my son is very forgiving and he understands that this transition has sometimes been tough on me. He has recognized that my heart is in the right place, which I’m very thankful for. His encouragement has helped me identify that I’ve got a judgemental streak in me that needs some attention. He’s encouraged me to learn more about the trans community and all the nuances that exist. It has put  Matthew 7:5 in perspective for me. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself before I start making assumptions about others. 

Lesson 4: Find the joy

There have been some really funny moments that have come up from my son’s transition. The way his voice now cracks as his voice is changing and becoming deeper makes me smile. There’s also the little peach fuzz that is showing up on his chin and I find that I’m excited to teach him how to shave. 

There are going to be plenty of moments that will be difficult, so it is incredibly important to soak up the good moments when they happen.

Lesson 5: He’s not the only one

My son has several friends and acquaintances that are trans as well. It has been heartbreaking to hear about how many of their parents are not accepting or have been downright ugly about their child’s gender identity. 

As a father and a Christian, this breaks my heart. I think about how Jesus intentionally spent time and ministered to the outcasts of his time. He seemed to understand that those the church found to be taboo were the ones that needed the church the most. My wife and I have tried to be a beacon of light to my son’s friends and I hope that has a positive impact on them. 

Wrap up

The word I’ve used the most on this journey so far has been surreal. There have been so many moments that I couldn’t have predicted or planned for. That chaos has been exciting, fun, and scary! I love my son and his being trans hasn’t changed that. We’ve had an amazing journey over the past year and there will be many more lessons, memories, and laughs that we get to experience together. 

I pray for a world where our different opinions don’t prevent us from accepting and affirming people as they are.